I am more than my anxiety.
I have dealt with anxiety for most of my life. When I was about five years old, I lost my sister in a tragic accident. It did not start to affect me until I got older but I think that’s because I did not fully understand what happened. When I first experienced anxiety I just shrugged it off because it all started as small things. I thought it was normal. Worrying about falling asleep at night, not wanting to sleep on the second story, never wanting to be the last one up, I honestly thought these were things that a normal middle school child would worry about. I didn’t realize it was anything bad until I stopped being able to sleep. All I would do is worry about everything, things that I should not have been worrying about.
I don’t think anyone truly realized how hard it is dealing with this. I have to fight every single day just to get through. It’s a constant struggle in my head, with a roller coaster of ups and downs, sometimes far too many downs. It’s exhausting, everyday waking up knowing that the dark cloud can creep up very quickly. Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed and I feel unmotivated no matter how much I want to get out of bed and be productive.
It has strained many relationships because I try so hard not to let anyone see that I’m hurting. I don’t want anyone to know that I have this dark cloud over my head. I want everyone to think that I am OK, even though I’m not. I secretly want someone to notice, someone to ask if I need help. It makes me feel as if I am a burden. It makes it close to impossible to make new friends because I am so worried about what people are going to think. I am so shy because of my anxiety.
It makes me feel as though I am not good enough. I’m not pretty, I don’t dress well, I’m fat, the list goes on and on. But deep down I have confidence, my anxiety just doesn’t t let that come out.
My anxiety has brought me to my knees, it has brought me to the point where I can’t breathe, where I just sit and cry uncontrollably. It makes me feel numb.
But, I am not my anxiety.
One thing my anxiety has taught me is that it is OK to ask for help. You don’t need to do everything on your own. It has taught me that I have an amazing support system. It has taught me to believe in myself even the days that I hit rock bottom. It has brought me my best friends. It has taught me how to push through. It has taught me to never give up no matter how much you want to. I have learned to love my anxiety because it has made me who I am today and has brought me to where I am now. I will be OK and one day soon I will be able to say that I have defeated my anxiety, but for now…
I am more than my anxiety.