I Am More Than My Anxiety

I am more than my anxiety.

I have dealt with anxiety for most of my life. When I was about five years old, I lost my sister in a tragic accident. It did not start to affect me until I got older but I think that’s because I did not fully understand what happened. When I first experienced anxiety I just shrugged it off because it all started as small things. I thought it was normal. Worrying about falling asleep at night, not wanting to sleep on the second story, never wanting to be the last one up, I honestly thought these were things that a normal middle school child would worry about. I didn’t realize it was anything bad until I stopped being able to sleep. All I would do is worry about everything, things that I should not have been worrying about.

 

I don’t think anyone truly realized how hard it is dealing with this. I have to fight every single day just to get through. It’s a constant struggle in my head, with a roller coaster of ups and downs, sometimes far too many downs. It’s exhausting, everyday waking up knowing that the dark cloud can creep up very quickly. Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed and I feel unmotivated no matter how much I want to get out of bed and be productive.

 

It has strained many relationships because I try so hard not to let anyone see that I’m hurting. I don’t want anyone to know that I have this dark cloud over my head. I want everyone to think that I am OK, even though I’m not. I secretly want someone to notice, someone to ask if I need help. It makes me feel as if I am a burden. It makes it close to impossible to make new friends because I am so worried about what people are going to think. I am so shy because of my anxiety.

 

It makes me feel as though I am not good enough. I’m not pretty, I don’t dress well, I’m fat, the list goes on and on. But deep down I have confidence, my anxiety just doesn’t t let that come out.

 

My anxiety has brought me to my knees, it has brought me to the point where I can’t breathe, where I just sit and cry uncontrollably. It makes me feel numb.

 

But, I am not my anxiety.

 

One thing my anxiety has taught me is that it is OK to ask for help. You don’t need to do everything on your own. It has taught me that I have an amazing support system. It has taught me to believe in myself even the days that I hit rock bottom. It has brought me my best friends. It has taught me how to push through. It has taught me to never give up no matter how much you want to. I have learned to love my anxiety because it has made me who I am today and has brought me to where I am now. I will be OK and one day soon I will be able to say that I have defeated my anxiety, but for now…

 

I am more than my anxiety.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “I Am More Than My Anxiety

  1. MEG
    Thank you for this, thank you for being brave
    Thank you for putting into words the feelings I know my daughter faces every day. I grew up with your dad, Todd and Tracy and was a fixture at the table of your wonderful grandparents. You have the best of all of them in you. Keep being amazing you beautiful girl.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, what an amazing story. Reading it felt like you were reciting my own personal life and struggles. I can honestly and truly say “I know how you feel”. My anxiety started thirty years ago when I was 20. ( had little bouts of it when I was much younger but think it was just shrugged off ). Thought I was losing my mind and going crazy. My aniexty was so bad that I had to quit college. couldn’t go any where by myself because I would panic so bad, I would just run or cry. Lost all my friends because I couldn’t go out with them for fear of having a panic attack. Got so bad, that I ended up not leaving my house for almost 6 months. Finally agreed to go to therapy. Been going on and off now for 30 yrs. Mine started for 2 reasons. I always had a fear of my parents dieing, I was killing them off since I was 10. Lol. Not something a 10 yr old should be worried about. They both lived well into their eighties. 2nd reason was something tragic happened to me personally and could never come to terms with it. I could go on but the end result is I still am dealing with it. I honestly feel my life would be so different if I didn’t have this. I’ve just settled with some things. I explain it now the same as you. I always feel that I have this cloud over me and follows me. I never ever truly felt happy. I envied people that could just pick and go and do whAtever they wanted. I always had to think “ok, where am I gonna be and can I flee if I need to. I still feel that way sometimes. My husband honestly thought it would go when my parents passed away because I worried about them constantly. My mom passed last year and the cloud is still there. I just moved the aniexty to something else. Don’t want to drag this on, just wanted you to know you are not alone. Prayers to you.

    Like

  3. I used to think it was just me. Then I saw the movie Captain Phillips. In the last scene, the Sick Bay tech asks Captain Phillips if he’s ok. He just babbles because there are no words.

    I could never find the words and I still can’t but I do know it has a name. If there is something good that can come out of this war, it’s the recognition of PTSD.

    Not just soldiers have battles and firefights. There are things that happen that are so bad that, like Captain Phillips, we can’t express with words. We just bury it but it seeps out in fear and anxiety that the next second may bring something horrific. Because we know it can happen.

    You are doing just fine. You have found your words.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s